Long gone in the flames
by Milady29
Summary: 10 years after the drama that killed and destroyed firehouse 51, a man walks into Molly's at the memorial day. Is he really to blame for what happened, or is he another victim of the fateful night?
1. Prologue

It had been quiet in Molly's all morning. Jenna Lewis started to clean the counter, bored. Six years ago, she had started working in Molly's, to earn some money so she could go to college. But in the end, she never went to college, but kept managing Molly's. It had been in the hands of the fire station, but the firefighters were delighted that she could take it over. Tonight, all the firefighters would gather here again, including her boyfriend, Lt. Tate, to attend the memorial of the firehouse 51 drama, which was already a decade ago.

Only 15 at the time, she had been awake all night, listening to the sirens that kept rushing through the street, as they lived close to the fire station. The next morning, there was no fire house 51 anymore.

Suddenly the large wooden door opened and Jenna looked up, surprised to see somebody enter who didn't work in the firehouse. But the instead of walking towards the bar, the person walked towards the wall in the back, where a row of candles were standing by the pictures of casualties of the fateful night a decade ago. The man picked up the group picture, the picture that always had made her emotional, as it was made only several weeks before the tragedy had happened. The man put it back, carefully. Jenna wasn't sure what to do, should she walk up to him? comfort him? talk to him? Instead of doing something, she watched as he picked up another picture frame. The girl. Tate had told her she was an EMT. He picked up several more, watching at them for a few seconds, putting them back very careful, afraid to drop them. His hand went in the pocked of his jacket and he put a small candle in front of the group picture. He tried to light it with a candle but it seemed to be empty and Jenna grabbed one out of the cabinets behind the bar, walking up to him.

''Sir?''

The man looked up to her. His blue eyes were full of tears and his eyes went up and down, looking at her. The right side of his jaw and face were covered in burn scars, which seemed to continue down his neck and now she saw his right hand reaching out, it was covered in scars as well.

''Thank you.'' He mumbled as he picked the lighter over from her, turning back to the candle. Jenna walked back to the counter, she had expected people to come and light candles today. Especially a lot of the people they had saved were coming by to light a candle, as a sign of respect. After a few minutes of complete silence the man turned around again, walking towards the bar and pulling himself on a barstool.

''I had expected that most people had forgotten about them.'' The man slowly mumbled, looking back at the long row of pictures with the candles.

''Nobody really did. There are still candles being lit a lot here. Nearly once a week. If not, we keep the candles burning, as they should be.''

The man nodded; ''they should.''

''Can I get you something?'' Jenna asked, as the man was handing her back to lighter.

''The strongest you got.'' He mumbled, staring down at the wood, scratching it with his nail.

''There is a memorial for fire house 51 tonight, in case you want to honor those men..''

''I know, that is why I am here now and not tonight.''

Jenna nodded, put down a shot of strong smelling liquor in front of him.

''Are you from around here? I never saw you here before.'' She asked then, interested in what the men was doing here and why he lighted the candle.

''No, I live in Maine.'' The man mumbled, although his accent stated otherwise. He did sound like he was from around Chicago. Also, his face seemed familiar

''Who is the boss of Molly's now?'' He suddenly asked, frowning, looking around.

''The firefighters of 51. I just manage it.''

''Where did Christopher Hermann go?'' The man asked, looking back at her.

''He left before I started here. All I know is that he moved away with his family.'' Jenna moved her head sideways; ''did you know the firefighters? I mean the ones fro-''

''from the fire house drama, yes. I knew them.''

The man bow his head again.

''Did they save you?''

The man laughed, nearly soundless.

''I am the reason most of them are dead now.''

Jenna frowned; ''How can it be your fault?'' She shook her head; ''the responsible are in prison.''

''You won't understand.'' The man stood up, walked back to pictures and returned with the picture of one of the lieutenants and held it out to her. 'This one doesn't deserve to between the others.''

She looked at the picture and looked up at the man again. Suddenly she understood.

He wasn't a person they saved, he was one of the few that survived the night. The blue eyes had become older, with deeper lines around them and the hair had become a little greyer. They were in the same short model as in the picture. He laid the picture on the counter and took his jacket off, laying on his barstool. He sat down, drank the shot in one for and looked at the picture. Jenna tried to remember the Lt.'s name, she was sure Tate had told her once.

''Kelly Severide?'' The name suddenly came back to her.

The men looked up; ''Matthew Casey.'' He held up the glass as she filled it again. She took the picture of his hand, put it back at the table in the back of Molly's. He was a part of the men. He deserved to be there.

''I looked prettier once.'' He stated dryly as she came walking back without the picture. Looking down at his arm Jenna also looked at the burn scars, they seemed to be worse than the ones in his face.

''I heard that without you, everybody would have died.'' He was the one that helped the other people out of the building, but instead of a hero, he felt like the bad guy. She could only imagine how hard it was to live as one of the only survivors. It could never be his fault. The responsible were in prison.

He shook his head; ''without me, nothing would have happened.''

Matthew looked sideways, out of the window, thinking back about the day ten years ago.

...

NOTE: New story! I hope you are interested. The story takes place a few weeks after the season 1 finale as well as 10 years after that.

Hope the storyline till now is understandable enough, how long did it take you to figure out it was Casey?

Thanks for reading! Hope that you will also read the upcoming chapters

Please leave review!

X


	2. Broken glass

**_10 years earlier_**

His alarm went off and announced another day and a 24 hour shift. Matthew checked his phone, which was next to the alarm and saw a text from Gabriela, asking him if he was available tomorrow, on their day off. After she found him in the mess he was in after Hallie's dead she cared for him, helped him out of the sadness he was in. now they slowly had started dating.

Matthew got out of bed, grabbing his stuff together and taking a shower. The bathroom was at least clean enough if Gabriela stayed over tonight. He walked downstairs and was happy he already cleaned up yesterday evening. After a small breakfast he left for the station.

The others were walking in as well and before they even were settles, the alarm already went off. A garage fire, very close by.

As fast he could, he pulled his pants on and boots, jumping into the truck, which didn't need to go more than a few blocks away. His mind was racing and he

''Is there anybody inside?'' Matthew asked the family, standing outside, looking at their burning garage, which was attached to the house

''No, we are all out.'' The man mumbled, sighing.

''Clear!'' He jelled at the men standing by the truck, that they could start putting out the fire.

''Casey!'' Hermann yelled. ''The Hydrant doesn't work!''

The two men started to open it, to find a a bunch of plastic bags inside. Hermann grabbed one out; ''drugs?''

Casey nodded, looked at the bags as well.

...

Driving the short way back to the station he suddenly signed Cruz to stop the truck, walking to the members of the gang walking on the sidewalk.

''Just want to tell you that your drugs are gone in the hydrant near the library. I thought I told you before.''

The young boys looked up to him. ''Mind your own business!''

''I will, when you don't stand in the way of our work, make sure those drugs are all out of the hydrants because next time there will be no warning, but the police on your doorstep.''

The boys laughed; ''You don't know where our doorstep is.''

''I do, because I spoke to your leader. Now, go get those drugs out!'' He said loud, clear, with his index finger pointing at them. They just turned around and walked away and Casey slowly made his way back to the truck.

''What was that all about?'' Mills said, looking as he stepped back in.

''I just told them to stay away from our hydrants.''

Before they were even back at the station there was another call and they rushed to there.

...

They drove back to the station, as the girls were earlier they were already preparing lunch and the men sat down at the table. Suddenly they all jumped up as the sound of breaking glass sounded through the building and they ran to the locker room, to see the windows thrown in by bricks.

''Shit.'' Mills mumbled, climbing on the bench that was shoved against the wall, careful keeping his hands away from the shards that were still in the frame of the window and he looked outside.

''Whoever was it, he or she is gone.''

Casey gritted his teeth, to be honest, he was pretty sure it had been the boys from the gang. He was naive that he thought they would actually listen to him and remove the drugs.

''Somebody could have been killed! Imagine standing here and getting hit in the head with a brick!'' Hermann yelled.

''What is going on here?'' Boden yelled while he walked in.

''This is what is happening!'' Hermann yelled, pointing at the bricks and the broken windows.

''I will use the wood here to at least fill the frames.'' Casey mumbled, walking to the back.

Grabbing to wood and tools, walking back and put the wood in front of the gaps until there would be glass in them again. He stepped off the bench and smiled at Dawson who was waiting for him there.

''Hermann told me you spoke to the gang members. Promise me you will be careful, okay?''

''We are not sure if it was them.''

Dawson crossed her arms, sighed annoyed; ''Matt, you also know it was them. Just leave them alone, maybe they will leave us alone as well, remember the drive-by shooting? What if they return again?''

''Fine, I promise.'' She walked up to him, kissing him on the cheek.

''Uhm, Casey...are you okay with wok for dinner? There are no groceries here and nobody feels up to cooking.'' Mills stood in the doorway, turning his eyes away from the both of them.

''Fine to me, you know? I will go get it.''

Casey stepped in the car driving to the wok restaurant that wasn't so far away and was within their budget. Then he stopped and parked the car, walking to the boys standing in front of the building he had spoken to the gang before. He felt a little guilty that he broke his promise to Dawson a few minutes after making the promise. He got his hands out of his pockets, showing he was unarmed.

''You again!'' One of the boys yelled.

''Seems to be necessary.'' He pushed them aside, walking towards the door. he knew it was dangerous to do with the gang, but he tried to impress them. They didn't follow him and he slammed the door open, looking at the arrogant gang leader.

''I thought I was pretty clear the other day; hiding your drugs in the hydrants means that they will be flushed. We need these hydrants in case of a fire.''

The gang leader looked up to him, frowning.

''Give back those drugs. We will hide them somewhere else.''

Casey shook his head; ''No, these aren't yours anymore. You left them in public property, they are going to the police.''

The lieutenant turned around, by the door he turned around one more time: ''Am I clear enough this time? It are just to the drugs going to the police now, next time I will also tell them this is the place you are hiding out.''

''You think you are something, just because you are a fire fighter?''

Casey talked back to the gang leader, crossing his arms.

'' I am doing something to the community. You are just sitting here, ruining lives and destroying public property. Do what you want with your life, but don't get in the way of mine and the ones I am trying to save.''

Before the gang leader could say something again, Casey walked out. He could hear them something yelling something after him, but instead he just walked to his truck, driving to the take out to get the dinner.

With the bags full of food, Casey walked back into the fire house, the other firefighters sitting at the table with plates ready.

''Shay and Dawson got a call.'' Hermann mumbled, pointing at the two empty plates.

''More for us.'' Otis decided and he took one of the bags over from Casey's hands, opening in and handing the boxes of food to the men around him. Casey grabbed two of the boxes and put them on the counter, saving them for the EMT's.

''What took you so long?'' Mills mumbled, Matthew also realized that he was away longer than he should.

''I just warned our friends the drug dealers again to stay away from our property.'' He said, wanting to be honest to the guys.

''So, we are going to be shot at soon again?'' Herman said, worried.

''I think I was pretty clear to them.''

He also sat down, starting to eat dinner.

''Boden took the drugs to the police.'' Severide mumbled, joining them with the rest of the squad.

''Casey knew who they were, maybe we should tell the police.''

''No, I have no idea.''

He was sure, but he knew that if they told the police, that some other member would still come after them and he hoped that his last conversation with them was going to be enough to keep them away.

''But you said it was the gang we had problems with earlier.''

''I think I was wrong.'' He lied, trying to keep his lip from shaking.

An awkward silence fell in the common room.

''So, are the Blackhawks going to win tonight?'' Otis asked, ready for the usual betting competition, breaking the awkward silence.

''Sure!'' Hermann yelled, putting down twenty dollars. Casey added twenty dollars with Hermann and walked to his locker, grabbing out the book he took from home, a book that Hallie had left there once.

With the book he walked back to the common room, cringing as he saw the familiar handwriting in the cover of the book, but he got over it now.

''Are you sure the gang won't come after us?'' Hermann asked again. Casey sighed; ''I am sure they understood to stay the hell away from us. '' He stood up, continuing reading his book and walked down the hallway to his office. On the bed, he continued reading. After a few minutes the door opened. Dawson walked into the tiny office, shoving his feet aside and sitting down on the bed. Matthew sat up as well.

''Enjoy your food.'' He smiled, as he saw she was eating the take-out.

''What are you reading?'' Casey held up the book;

''Just a book I found back while cleaning the house, but I think you would like it better, it is a kind of chick-flick.'' He laughed.

Gabriela put the box of food on the ground, took the book from him, read the back.

''It seems interesting.''

''You can have it. I have another book here. About cars, more my thing.''

''Deal.''

She stood up, kissed him on his forehead.

''Well, enjoy your car book.'' She walked back to the common room and Casey grabbed the book out of his drawer.

His eyes kept closing and he realized he was dozing off after reading for a while. Slowly he sat up, not wanting to fall asleep. But as soon as he laid down again, his eyes closed and hr was asleep.

...

Slow footsteps walked on the driveway to fire house 51. Jerry can with gasoline in one hand, a gun in the other, the group of nineteen boys slowly approached the fire house.

...

NOTE: I am glad you are interested in the story! Here is the second chapter, I hope you will keep reading after this, nearly at the truth what happened.

Thanks for the reviews on the previous chapter and for reading this chapter!

Please leave a review!

x


	3. The Fall

WARNING: There is some material in this chapter that you might find violent, or disturbing! Also, a lot of characters are dying in this chapter. If you don't like that, I warn you now.

...

''Sir, are you okay?'' Jenna Lewis looked a little bit worried at the man sitting on the other side of the bar, looking out of the window, mumbling to himself. There was a long silence after he had said that he had fallen asleep.

''I am fine.'' Matthew looked at her again, holding up his glass for another shot.

''Should I continue telling what happened?'' He mumbled then.

''If you want to.'' Jenna answered, to be honest, she had had no idea that he was actually mumbling to her. She had followed what he was saying though.

He nodded; ''Somebody needs to know what really happened there, what do you think that happened?''

Jenna shrugged; ''I was only fifteen when it happened. I remember from the news that it was a fire lighted by the gang members to scare the neighborhood.'' she swallowed; ''Also, that most died because of the smoke and the fire.'

Matthew shook his head; ''Most of them were dead before the fire was lighted. Remember about the drugs and my warnings? They were coming to take revenge because of my big talk.''

...

Several gunshots woke Matthew Casey up and he jumped out of bed, running towards the door of the office. His hands were shaking at the sound and he had problems with turning the doorknob. Several seconds later he figured out that there was something in front of it. Looking through the blinds he gasped when he saw a chair under the doorknob, locking him in. Without any success trying to bash it open, he grabbed the wooden chair, slamming it through the window, climbing through the shards, cutting his hand. Trying to get his foot on the floor, he slipped away in something liquid on the floor. Falling to the right side, his arm and the right side of his face were covered into something, which he figured out to be gasoline, smelling it. Cries sounded from the common room and still slipping away with the gasoline on the floor, he ran to there. What he saw there, made him fall to the floor in shock. Blood seemed to be everywhere, in the mess with empty shells from bullets. The bodies of most of the members of the firehouse were laying around, in pools of blood.

HIs lip started shaking and for a moment he pinched his own arms, knowing he just had to wake up in the bed, that it was just a bad dream. But it wasn't. All the happened was the gasoline also spreading over his fingers.

Paralyzed he sat on the floor, shaking.

This couldn't be true. This couldn't be. His brain seemed to stop working as he couldn't process what was around. he couldn't and he didn't want to.

A sound came from the locker room and he suddenly jumped up, ready to kill the person who did this, or be killed. This had to be a bad dream, the worst. Even though he tried to keep his head, he had no idea what to do. In a shock, he just kept on walking, not knowing what he was going to find. Ready to face the gang members, but that was not what he found.

''Gabriela!'' He couldn't breathe anymore. Falling to the floor on his knees, he pulled her into his arms.

''Gabby!'' His hands were smeared with blood when he rubbed her hair out of her face.

''Gabby? Please open your eyes.'' The tears were streaming down his face, falling down in drips from his nose. The blood seemed to come from the from the back from her head and carefully wiping her hair away. A bullet wound was visible and he gritted his teeth, more tears were flowing down his face. Feeling her throat, there was no pulse. She was gone.

''Not so big talking anymore?'' The gang leader was standing in the doorway.

'''Do it!'' Matt carefully laid Gabriela down on the flood, stood up and walked up to the leader, stood in front of him. ''Shoot me! Just like the rest!''

The leader just shook his head, walked out of the room.

He heard multiple feet over the hallway. Not being to stand up or do something with the enormous chaos in his head, he fell down to the floor again. It was all his fault, if he hadn't be so stubborn and hadn't thought that he was so great and strong, he wouldn't be in this nightmare.

Still, he was paralyzed, his mind seemed to be blocked, he couldn't think about what he should although he knew he had to do something.

There still was a cry from the common room and he crawled to there, tears still falling down. His grey shirt was smeared with blood. From behind the cooking island he could hear the cry and he saw Shay, lying against the fridge, blood spread in her T-shirt.

''Shay?'' Her eyes kept opening and closing.

''Matt, just get me out of here.'' She whispered, weak. He was afraid the gang was still waiting outside, for everyone alive to come out. Nobody had even reached the police yet and he looked for his phone in his pocket, but figured it was still in his office. Carefully, he lifted Shay up, just to get her out of the horror they were in. She laid weakly in his arms, only looking aside when they passed the table and she reached out. ''Kelly?'' There was no answer and Matthew feared for the worst, looking at the pool of blood. Walking out of the room into the big hall were the trucks were standing, he was scared when he saw the large iron doors were closed. There was no way out.

''The door in the laundry room? Did they lock it?''

Shay didn't answer and looking at her, she seemed unconscious. As fast as he could, without looking around in the common room, he passed through. He felt like a little boy, as long as he didn't look at it, it wasn't there. His mom always had said that when he was scared. But this wasn't something he could escape from.

The small escape exit wasn't locked and he walked outside, laying Shay down in the grass. Nobody was on the street and looking at his watch he saw it was the middle of the night. Nobody was looking at them, the gang were shooting often at night and nobody wanted to be involved, so nobody checked it out.

''Gabby.'' He suddenly mumbled, running back into the building, trying to get back to the locker room. He needed to care for her, he promised. He couldn't lose another person. His mind seemed to block when he thought about the hopelessness of the situation.

Running back inside he was startled when he saw that the common room was on fire, just as the hallway? Had they really set the gasoline on fire? It had to be, the fire was spreading. Why were they doing this?

He felt to his knees, the fire getting closer and closer.

''Help!'' It sounded from the common room and Matthew crawled in, down to escape the forming smoke. The cry for help sounded from close to the couch and Matthew crawled over the bloody, slippery floor, closing his eyes. The heat on his skin made him realize he was getting closer and closer to the flames. His hand hit the couch and he looked into the eyes of Hermann.

''Casey!''

''Are you okay?''

''Not so sure.'' He mumbled, pointing at the bleeding spot in his shirt and Casey also saw the bullet wound in his knee.

''I will get you out.''

The fire was getting worse faster and faster with the gasoline spreading it and he lifted up Hermann, crawling back on his knees, the smoke affecting his breathing. He had to get him out, he had to go back for Gabriela.

The hallway was still pretty clear, although the smoke was getting worse and worse. Next to Shay, he laid Hermann down.

''What are you doing?'' Herman yelled, looking as Casey walked back in.

''I need to find Gabby!'' Sirens were sounding in the distance now, as the fire alarm was going off. Hermann protested, trying to get up, only to screamin pain and Casey ran back inside, but before he could even reach the locker room he knew it was a lost cause. the whole side of the building seemed to be on fire, his office, the other offices and the locker room were drowned in a sea of flames.

Suddenly, the most intense pain he had ever felt seemed to crawl up over the right side of his body and looking down, he saw his arm on fire. It spread out of the gasoline that was still on his body after he fell in it. Close to the exit, he ran outside, falling into the grass and rolling the fire out. The sirens seemed to get closer as he laid down on his left side, the tears flowing uncontrollably now and the pain on the left side of his body getting more and more intense. The only thought that kept going through his mind was that he was responsible for the death of all of this people. He was a mass-murderer. If he hadn't been the 'hero' again, all the people inside would still be alive. He was the killer of all of them. Kelly, Otis, Cruz, Gabby, all of them.

A dog licked his face.

'' ooh pouch, come here.'' Hermann whispered, hoarse, weak. Matthew couldn't open his eyes anymore and he couldn't find the power and will to push Pouch away, although the dog was hurting the burned side of his face.

The sirens were finally here.

''Sir?'' people sat down by him and he wanted to scream when they lifted him on a board, but instead he kept just lying still, hoping he was going to die.

''Third degree burns, could go into shock any second.'' A female voice sounded above him and he felt how they rolled him into an ambulance.

Kelly...Gabby...it was all his fault.

Please, let Leslie and Christopher live...and let me die was the last thought before they injected him with something and he finally lost consciousness.

...

NOTE: Hard chapter to write. I had no idea what suitable to write and what not. I hope I did well enough, that it wasn't too harsh.

I think you already understand, but I just want to point it out really quick, Matthew is telling the story to the girl in Molly's, ten years after the massacre, but to keep it better to read, I just write it as a normal story. He is telling the same thing, though.

I'd also like to point out I am not psychopath, I just look at a lot of crime shows, drama and all and there I get a lot of inspiration from - although this doesn't really have on show or book in particular that it is based upon. But I am really glad that you like it because it is something completely diffrent, because I was trying achieve that!

To give you an idea where the story is going now, is of course the aftermath of this all.

Thanks for reading and please leave review! I would really like to know what you think about the story line!

Thanks, again!

x


	4. Awake

Every sound around him was too loud to understand and Matthew Casey just wanted to cover his ears and curl up on the bed, wanting everybody around it to disappear. The voices were still talking, hurting him. When he tried to open his eyes, he couldn't, still wanting the loud voices to go away.

''Matt?''

The sound of the word seemed familiar, as if he had to know it, but he couldn't place them in the world he knew now, the world of pain.

''Matthew?''

The longer word made him even more confused, he couldn't understand if the person was speaking to him, or was talking with the other people.

''Madame, you need to go back to your room and get some rest. We will inform you when he is awake.''

If the voices would just stop talking!

More voices seemed to enter the room and he heard another female voice saying the strange word; ''Matthew? Can you hear me?''

''Madame, you also need to leave the room!''

''He is my son! I have the right to be with him!''

''We need you to step ou-''

He finally succeeded on banning the voices away and the world around him was quiet again. Not sure if he was alive or not, he laid there, not being able to wake up, to face the world again. He wasn't sure anymore what had happened but all he could remember it had been something bad, something very bad.

Sometimes there was pain and then there were the strange words again; Matt, Matthew.

Slowly, he got better and better in banning the voices away, just sometimes there were a few words coming through.

''Matthew?''

The sound of the word made him think of something bad, something very bad. Sometimes, there seemed to be happening something to his body, but it was so far away he doubted if it was his body.

Nothing made sense anymore. Was this death?

''Why doesn't uncle Matt look at my drawing?''

''Because he is asleep, Violet.''

Why did they keep saying the bad word? Why couldn't they be quiet, leave him alone?

''How long is he still going to be in a coma?'' A woman's voice said, whispering.

''We got him off the medication, he should wake up soon.''

He finally banned the voices away again, back into himself, until he finally opened his eyes.

''Told you he was waking up soon.'' The white phantom slowly moved to the back of the room, his vision was still blurred and he was terrified when another phantom moved at his left side, coming closer to him. The only thing he managed before the phantom reached him was stretching his left arm, pushing the thing away, afraid it was one of the gang members again, here to finish the job.

''Matt, it is okay, it is me.''

The bad word again.

''Madame, he is probably not aware of the situation yet.'' The white phantom sounded and the other phantom moved closer again, to big angst of him.

''Matt, it is me, your mother. It is all going to be okay.''

He did everything to escape, his limbs feeling heavy and not being able to move his right arm, he tried to sit up, escape from the bed. Before he could even sit up he was pushed back by multiple hands and before he could even see what was happening, a sting felt in his arm and he was gone again.

...

The next time he opened his arms his vision was less blurry and a woman was sitting on his bedside, a blonde woman.

''Shhhh, or they will put you out again.'' She whispered, moving with her eyes to the white coat standing with her back to her.

He wanted to scream, but he couldn't. There was nothing more than a small groan and the white coat turned around to him.

''Can you try to talk, Matthew?'''

Instead of talking, he tried to crawl deeper away in the bed, trying to flee from the strange emphases that kept scaring him, causing a fierce pain through the right side of his body.

''Do you understand me?''

''Yes.'' it came out hoarse. He didn't even know he could talk, or that it was his voice that sounded so weak.

''Your name, your age?''

''28.'' It was the only number coming to his mind.

''Your name?''

Silence.

The girl holding his left hand now, swallowing loud.

''I live at 73th street.'' he sighed then.

''That is right, but what is your name?''

''I think my surname is Severide.''

The doctor frowned and he thought again; ''it could also be Dawson, or Mills, or Cruz.''

The girl holding his hand stood up and she walked out of the room, clearly wiping the tears from her face.

''Does the name Matthew Casey ring a bell?''

It did, but it didn't just ring a bell, it rang a whole alarm. Again, the man in the bed lost it, trying to get out, pushing everybody away whom was trying to push him down, back into the bed.

After a matter of seconds, he lost the fight again, another needle sending him back into oblivion.

...

This time, he was alone when he opened his eyes. The hallway was darker than before and outside was a dark sky. What if he was the Matthew? Moving his head hurt and carefully he brought up his left hand, touching the right side, to find bandages to his cheekbone.

Footsteps sounded down the hall and a nurse looked through the glass on his room, grabbing her pager and walking into his room. not much a later, a doctor answered as well and he recognized the doctor from earlier.

''I remember my name now.'' The man in the bed said, calm but weak. ''It was Matthew Casey.''

''Good.'' The doctor sat down by his bedside. ''Can you remember what happened?''

Matthew nodded, immediately stopped again by the pain his neck.

''Careful, your neck, face and arms are covered in third degree burns. You had a skin transplant, wouldn't want to damage it again.''

''Is it true what happened?'' Matthew asked, tears filling his eyes. He still couldn't believe it if it would be true, it couldn't be true that everyone was gone.

Before the doctor could answer, another person entered his room. The girl whom was sitting by his bedside earlier. Her blonde hair was hanging in her face and her bright eyes took in any detail on him. She was wearing a hospital gown as well, also the white bracelet around her wrist indicated that she was a patient as well. Her thin legs nearly seemed to gave away under the weight as she stood there, shaking.

''Matt?'' She mumbled, biting her lip.

''Leslie.'' Matt mumbled back. The doctor stood up, made place for Shay to sit down.

When she grabbed his hand the doctor walked out, letting the two be alone for a few minutes, knowing they needed some time together.

She didn't say anything, but laid her head down on his lefthand.

''Why did you get me out?''

Matthew looked up to the ceiling as all the details of the night came back in his head.

''Why didn't you leave me there?''

Her voice sounded harsh, as if she was blaming him.

''Kelly, Gabriela, they are all gone.'' She mumbled then.

''I know.'' He mumbled then, his eyes nearly closing again. The few minutes he was awake again seemed to take their toll already. He felt so weak even his emotions seemed to fail.

''How can we go on with our lives?'' She mumbled, standing up as he was nearly sleeping.

...

After all the tests he had to do, his mom was waiting for him in his room.

''How are you feeling today?'' She mumbled, smiling as the nurses helped him back on the bed.

''Just perfect.'' He sighed.

''I am sorry. I just want you to get better soon. You have been out for so long and I was afraid I would lose you.''

He thought about the only wish he had when they had brought him to the hospital was that he wanted to die, that he couldn't continue live after this, but that didn't seem a good answer to tell his mom.

Without answering her question he asked his question: ''How are Shay and Hermann doing?''

''Just think about yourself for a while, okay? I want you to be better.''

''Mom, I want to know how they are.''

''Christopher Hermann is home at his family.''

Matthew smiled for a short second, glad to hear that Hermann had made it and was back with his children. He had feared for a while, since the seemed to be in pretty bad shape when he brought him outside. But if he was already home...

''How long have I been out?''

His mom shook her head; ''It doesn't matter, you are back now.''

''Mom! Just tell me.''

''Five weeks.''

Matthew gasped; ''Was I actually in a coma?''

''An induced coma. Every time they tried to wake you up you lost it, hurting yourself. You kept yelling for gabr-'' His mom broke her sentence off, not wanting to say the name.

Matthew swallowed, he couldn't even remember it.

''How is Shay? She was here last night.''

''Matt, just rest now.''

''I can't sleep before I know.'' This time he was honest, he needed to know how Shay was doing, even now his eyes were falling shut again.

''She was taken to the mental ward tonight after she talked with you, for the third time in five weeks.''

Matthew looked out of the window, not knowing how to react.

''It is all going to be fine, Matt.'' HIs mom rubbed over his left hand.

At least they were both murders now.

Nothing was going to be okay again, he was sure of that.

...

NOTE: And the story continuous. I hope you thought this chapter was good! Also hope the story line is still good enough!

Thanks for reading and please leave a review!

x


	5. Stronger

Afraid to face his sister and his niece, Matthew sat up, immediately in pain because of the healing skin on his upper leg. The sweating pants made His mom had finally left his side and although he wanted to be alone in the beginning but now he was glad that she was there to look after him. Although their relationship had been complicated, he was glad he didn't have to do all of this alone. His mom was there with him every day now, brought him around the hospital and went outside with him. Hermann had visited him as well, but had excused himself very soon, but to be honest, Matt didn't know what to say to Hermann which didn't have anything to do with the massacre. Neither did Hermann and after a few minutes, they said goodbye to each other again. The worst thing every day was talking to his therapist. Especially every time the therapist asked him how he was feeling. Matt spend the morning now thinking about the answer that was going to be less happy than a complete lie and more positive than how he was actually feeling. Now, two months after the fire and three weeks after he woke up, he had found a way to get up every morning, which was just trying to get back on his feet, so he could help Shay. He hadn't seen her since the night they had spoken to each other and he wanted to visit her, but he couldn't before he was fine again, or as fine as he was going to be.

''Matt!'' Christie came walking inside, Violet holding her hand.

''Hey, happy to see you.'' Violet walked to his bed, handing him a drawing.

''Thank you, it is very pretty.'' He said, looking at the drawing with a big smile.

''What is wrong with your face?'' Violet asked pointing at the rough, still red and vulnerable skin, some parts still hidden under the special plasters which didn't hurt his skin.

''Nothing, it is going to be okay.'' Her mom answered her before Matthew could even say something.

Christie sat down. ''When are you leaving the hospital soon?'' Matt moved is jaw, thinking. Usually he would have shrugged, but that still didn't went without pain.

''I don't know. Until I can walk again, which takes as long as the skin on my leg being healed. I don't want to move in with mom.''

Christie looked away; ''So, mom visits you here?''

''Every day, there hasn't been a way that she hasn't been here or at least called me.''

Christie looked back at him; ''So, you and mom are really close again?''

''She is my mom, yours as well. Whatever she did in the past, she is mom. I am happy she is here for me. Just give her a chance, Christie.''

Christie nodded; ''I will, when I am ready.''

Matthew just took that as a yes.

''Have you even been out of the hospital recently?'' She mumbled, looking at how bad her brother looked.

''Mom took me outside to the garden sometimes. Otherwise I have been in inside mostly.''

Christie nodded. ''I was thinking, I am off tomorrow and if you want to go somewhere, I could take you.''

Matthew frowned; ''How do you mean?''

Christie shrugged; ''Mom asked me to offer it to you in a mail I didn't reply. She meant that maybe you wanted to see the memorial.''

Matthew bit on his lip. He did want to see what happened to the firehouse, but to be honest, he was still blaming himself and he wasn't sure if he was ready to face his fault. Especially to see Gabriela's grave. He had still been avoiding to talk and think about her death, knowing he didn't want to sink back into the deep depression as after Hallie had passed. He knew that as soon as he saw her grave, he would have too.

''No, thank you.''

''Just call me if you want to.''

...

The skin of his leg seemed to pull tighter when he took a small step and the tears started filling his eyes as it really hurt him. Wondering if he was ever going to walk again without the skin pulling he tried to take the next step between in the walking bars. His thin left arm were also shaking, still weak from the weeks in bed. HIs right arms was still tightly wrapped up and he couldn't lean on it very well. His mother was watching him behind the glass wall and gritting his teeth he took another step, tying to ignore the pain. But it became so bad he hopped the last few steps and sat down at the end, happy when his PT came towards him with the hospital wheelchair.

The PT brought him out of the physical therapy room and his mom walked towards him.

''You were doing very well.''

''You think?'' He answered, sarcastic, rude. His mom sighed and walked back to his room with him.

''You have some visitors. Mr. and Miss Dawson.''

His breath seemed to get stuck in his throat and his heart was racing. Usually, when his mom walked him back to his room, it seemed to take an eternity, now it was too short. Gabriela's parents were waiting on the chairs next to his bed. His mom helped him on the bed and left the room and with his heart still racing he looked at Gabriela's parents, whom he had met a few times.

''Matt, how are you?'' Her mom finally sighed, carefully but awkwardly wrapping her hands around him.

''I am okay.'' He whispered, look at Gabriela's hand, who gave him an awkward hand, as Matthew gave his left hand.

''How are you doing?'' He asked, his voice shaking.

''Trying to go on, but it is not easy.'' Her mom mumbled, smiling at him with a sad, fake smile.

''Have you been to the memorial yet? it is really beautiful. They also hung a big picture of her in Molly's and they held a memorial there as well.'' Her dad added.

''No, I haven't been anywhere yet.''

He looked around the room, finding the large bunch of flowers on the other nightstand on his right side; ''Thank you.''

''We were really worried about you but since they were so strict on visitors, we didn't come earlier.''

Matthew understood, they were very strict on leaving the press in. Everybody knew his name in and out Chicago and a lot of journalists were still trying to talk to him, even he told multiple times, as well as the staff from the hospital, that he was not going to answer everything. The only questions he had answered till now where the ones by the police. The few times it had been officers he didn't know, the last time it had been Antonio, but he had more personal questions, as he was not on the case, being emotionally involved.

The silence in the room was not awkward as it usually was.

''Matt, the only thing we were still asking herself. The last time you saw Gabby, wh-''

''I gave her a book, we just chatted about books for a few minutes.'' Of course he left the part where she begged him to stay away from the gang out. If he had actually listened to her, she would still be alive right now. Everybody still would be.

''I am sorry, but the visiting hour is over. Direct family only.'' A nurse said, opening the door. For a moment Matthew wanted to lie that they were his direct family. There was so much he wanted to ask them, but he didn't dare to. The thing he really wanted to know was if they were blaming him for the death of their daughter. The Dawsons left, promising to come back soon again.

Turning on his left side was a big task, but it laid more comfortable and he put the bad horizontal again, trying to get some sleep, tired from the short, but heavy day while it had just been noon.

His eyes closed but before he was really sleeping a hand touching his left hand woke him up again and opening his eyes he saw his mom sitting on his bedside again.

''Mom, I just want to sleep for a few minutes, please.''

''I will wait until you wake up.''

''Mom, just leave me alone for today, please.'' He mumbled, tired, afraid to hurt her. But he needed to be honest.

''I am sorry Matt, I just wanted to be here for you. I know have lacked a lot of that the past fifteen years.''

''I know.'' He know he was a kind of harsh to her to send her away, as he was basically the only person she had left.

''Stay if you like.'' He mumbled, dozing off and finally falling asleep.

Waking up as what felt in the middle of the night, surprised he slept so long he woke up, neatly tucked in, his mom still sleeping in the chair beside his bed.

When he tried to grab the cup of water from the nightstand he dropped up, causing her to wake up.

''Here'' She grabbed a new cup, handing it to him.

''Thank you for being here.'' He smiled than, actually happy she was there. If h had pushed her away and he knew that he had been mean to her in the beginning, that he would be completely alone now. Before firehouse 51 had been his family, now he was falling back to his own family.

His mom stood up. ''It is nearly twelve, I should go soon.''

''Aren't you going to get in trouble with your parole officer that you are home so late?''

His mom shook her head; ''I told about my son being in the hospital, she felt sympathy for me.''

Matthew smiled back, fell asleep immediately again after she walked out.

He spend the night turning and waking up, nightmare after nightmare. The boys of the gang blaming it was his fault that everybody died, as well as all the victims blaming him. He ended up in prison. The picture of him sitting with Gabriela in his arms kept creeping through his head, as well as the picture of Shay, how thin she had been the last time he has seen her. He had to be stronger, he had to be the strongest. He needed to fix as much as he could from what he had already messed up.

Sure this time, he grabbed his phone, dialing his sister.

''Christie, I want to go to the memorial.''

...

NOTE: I hope you are still interested in the story! (the last chapter didn't really have any views) but I will try to finish it soon, before all interest is lost! I hope you like it!

For the people wondering and reading shot in the snow, the next chapter of Shot in the Snow will be up soon, the story is not on intermission or cancelled, I just need some time to figure out the next chapter.

Thanks for reading!

Please do leave a review!


	6. A Guilt Trip

''I am so sorry, Mr. Casey.'' Jenna said, looking at the man who was still staring out of the window, who had been silent for a few minutes now.

''I know, everybody was. Instead of blaming me for what I have done, everybody feels sorry.''

He just shook his head, putting the shot glass down again.

''Another?'' She asked, not sure if she should give him another one.

''No, just a water please.'' Matthew looked back at the window.

''Is there something outside?''

Matthew looked back at Jenna. ''Somebody, but I don't think she will come in.''

He took a sip of water, putting the glass down and continuing his story, no longer looking at the person by the window.

...

Christie's heels made ticking sounds on the pavement while she pushed the wheelchair and Matthew looked around, happy to see around Chicago again after being inside for so long. She had offered to take him by car but he preferred to go this way, even if it was just to breathe some fresh air again. People walking down the pavement were staring at him, some really seemed to recognize him, others just seemed to realize it was him. The cold air felt strange against the sore skin of his face. His mom was very happy to hear that he was going out today. Nearly reaching the street of the former station, he was getting nervous.

''Are you ready?'' Christie said, stopping for a second as if she could reach her mind.

''I think I am ready.'' His voice was shaking. Christie rubbed her hand over his left shoulder for a second and she continued their way to the former firehouse. Even though they weren't there yet, he could already see the firehouse was gone. The only thing left was the driveway and on the place where the fire house had been was a sea of flowers and candles.

''They are keeping the candles lit day and night.''

''Who?'' He said, looking backwards, up to Christie.

''The people of the neighborhood.''

Slowly they went over the driveway, to the large marble plate in the middle. A young guy was also there, laying down some flowers as well. He looked up to Casey, just gave him a small nod and stepped aside, walking to one of the candles which seemingly was blown out by the wind, lighting it again. There was a large marble plate in the middle, all the names of the victims engraved in it. Slowly his hand went over the stone. Christie laid her hand again on his shoulder. He wanted to grab it and cry, find some comfort by his sister, but instead his hand just kept going over the stone, touching the names, feeling more guilty every time his hand touched a name. His hand went from Brian Zvonecek to Gabriela Dawson and a sudden paint went to his chest.

He still couldn't process that she was gone and every morning he woke up he hoped that she would be sitting at his bedside, that the nightmare would be over, but every morning he woke up alone.

His hand left the name, laying it on top of Christie's hand. Tears started to flow now, laid his head on top of the hands are well, the tears still streaming. He wanted to keep himself strong, but he couldn't keep the tears. After a few more minutes he wiped the tears away, looked up again at the names. The boy farther away on the field looked at him, worried, seemingly sorry for him.

Christie sat down on his knees, next to him. Carefully she laid her arm around him.

''If you want to go, just say so.'' She mumbled, opening her bag, grabbing a bunch of flowers and laying them under the marble plate, between the other flowers.

''Can we go to Molly's?'' He asked, his voice raw from the crying.

Christie nodded, stood up and they went back on to the street, Matthew still looking back and the sea of candles and flowers. Although the air was still cold as it was November already, he wasn't extremely cold. They should be flashing the hydrants soon. He just stared to the sky, not wanting to think about how it could have gone if he had responded different to the drugs in the hydrant. The marble stone wouldn't be there and he would be at work.

They arrived at Molly's before he even noticed how far they were and he had forgotten about the two steps up to the door. Stubborn, he got up, leaning against the wall.

''Matt, what are you doing?'' Christie said; ''I am sure we can enter trough the back.''

''I can do this.'' He said back, sounding more rude than he had actually meant to. Lifting up his right leg as far as he could without hurting, he hopped dup the two steps, Christie still protesting behind him. ''What, you are going to stand outside, waiting?'' He asked, to make her stop protesting and he went aside so she could walk inside as well, sitting down in his chair again.

In the back of the bar, there was a long table full of pictures. Christie didn't follow him as he wheeled to there, his arm hurting, but he needed to see it. A pair of feet did follow him though and when he looked backwards he saw that the man whom had been drinking at the bar was following him. Hermann. He kept standing behind as Matt was looking at the pictures, lifting the one with Gabriela up, his thumb caressing the picture. After a few minutes, Matt wanted to go backwards, back to Christie whom was drinking a coke at the bar, but he bumped into Hermann.

''Sorry.''

Hermann stepped aside. ''Matt.'' He greeted, the corners of his mouth moving into a fake smile for a split second.

''How are you?'' He asked to Hermann, more to greet him back than to know how he was, because he knew that Hermann wasn't okay, neither of them was. The small firefighter hadn't shaved in a while, his eyes looked tired and he looked around, disorientated.

''As good as it gets. How are you?''

Casey just shrugged, not caring about the pain in his shoulder.

''How is Shay?'' Hermann asked, tucking his hands in his pockets, looking to the ground instead of at Matthew.

''I don't know.'' He answered, not wanting to explain that he didn't have to courage to visit her yet, but Hermann hadn't visited her either, so this was something he couldn't feel guilty about, although he doubted if there was much more space for more guilt.

''Let's take a walk.'' Hermann mumbled, Casey just nodding as they left the building through the back.

''How did you return to daily life?'' Matthew asked as they left the street, Hermann pushing him. Off all the things coming his way right now, the hardest thing was for him to imagine how he was ever going to start his daily life again. How could he even live on?

''Cindy and the kids.'' Hermann shrugged, stopping as they reached a bench, sitting down next to Casey. ''They are the only reason. How are we supposed to just go on? I don't even know why I am allowed to be alive and the others aren't.''

''Don't say that, you have your family.''

''Why did you save me? You could have looked at the others, if one of them was still alive.''

Matthew looked down, nervously playing with his hands.

''Five children wouldn't have a father now.''

Hermann breathed out, loud. ''Neither do they have now.'' Hermann looked at him, his eyes filling with tears. ''I want to be a good father, but I just don't know how anymore. ''

''I want to tell you everything is going to be okay since everybody keeps telling me that, but I am not so sure anymore.'' Matthew admitted, knowing he could be honest with Hermann.

''Are you going to the trial of the gang next week?'' Hermann asked.

''Is that next week already?'' Matt had completely forgotten about it, even though he promised to speak as a witness as they were charged by the city of Chicago.

''If we weren't living Illinois, they would probably get a dead sentence. Now they get to life while nobody of fire house has a life. It is a cruel world.'' Hermann mumbled. ''Nobody. Not even the three of us will never have a life again.''

Matthew could only agree.

...

Laying in bed, Matthew couldn't sleep and he wasn't sure if it was the rain slamming against the window or his stomach, which was feeling bad every time he thought about the trial now. He was not sure if he could speak up over their guilt, while he still felt guilty. He curled up a little bit more, pulling the blanked higher over him, looking at Violet's drawing at the wall, wishing he was a child again so he was full of innocence again and that hiding on the blanket was enough when he was scared. Now he was scared and nervous and overall, guilty.

The rain stopped and he carefully turned to his back, the pain bearable and he breathed in and out, wanting to get some sleep for another long tomorrow but even laying on his back didn't help him to find his sleep, while he always used to sleep on his back. Slowly he sat on the edge of his bed, took a few sips of water. The clock showed it was already past two. His sweatpants was scrubbing against the sore skin on his right leg but he got up, going to the door of his room with a lot of effort. Halfway the hallway his skin was killing him and he turned around, back to his room, knowing he would never reach Shay like this. Nearly at the door his leg gave in and he collapsed.

Thunder was rumbling far away and he crawled to the doorpost, sitting up against the frame and closing his eyes. He couldn't change what he did and he couldn't even reach Shay now without involving other people. Curling up on the floor, he finally fell asleep to a few more hours of nightmares.

...

NOTE: Chapter 6 already! Hope you liked this one!

Thanks for reading, please leave review!


	7. Let it all out

''The next morning, the nurses woke me up and when I wanted to ask them if I could see Shay, they told me that she already left the hospital and that she was living with her cousin for the time being.''

He finished his water, putting his glass down, Jenna filling it again. He looked back, but the person by the window was gone.

''So, did you go to see her?''

Matthew shook his head. ''I prepared for the trial of the gang and it took another month and a half before I saw her after the trial.''

...

Leaning on his cane Matthew slowly walked towards lake Michigan. The concrete was slightly crumbled at the edge and he stared into the water, the small waves splashing against the edge.

''Matt.'' He turned around, seeing Shay standing a few feet away from him. The new year had just started and the air was still cold. It was still unbelievable the massacre was already four months ago and in his mind he was still in September, with firehouse 51.

He embraced Shay, together they sat down on a bench near the lakeside, still looking at the water.

''Are you home yet?'' Shay broke the silence.

''I am home again since three weeks.''

''Your face healed-''

''Don't tell me that it looks better, or that it is hardly seeable. It looks awful and I know that. I don't need to be lied to about that. '' The scar tissue had made the skin very uneven and he got annoyed with the people trying to comfort him about it, after all, it was just a souvenir to keep him remembered forever that he was guilty.

''How did you do it?'' Shay looked aside, up to him, biting her lip.

''Did what?'' He had no idea what she was talking about.

''Moving stuff out, you know - Gabriela's stuff.''

He was silent for a few seconds. ''I didn't. My mom already packed most of it for her parents to sort out when I was still in the hospital and all that is left, is still there.''

Shay sighed; ''I can't do it, I can't move Kelly's stuff out. I mean, nearly everything. His dad only took a few things. I promised myself to do it after I got home short after the trial, but I never could. The socks he wore the day before everything happened, they are still laying on the corridor. It reminds me of him.'' She shook her head, as if she was disapproving herself. ''I even like that they are smelly, just because it feels like he is still there.'' To be honest, he completely understood it.

''My mom asked me yesterday why I need three toothbrushes when she was cleaning the house. I lied that I use three different kinds of toothpastes and she bought it. One is mine, the other two belonged to Hallie and Gabriela and I don't have the heart to throw them out.'' He sighed. His hands were cold and he tucked them deep in the pockets of his jacket. He looked aside to Shay again. They only had talked on the phone since the trial and it felt good to finally talk to her. Everybody acted like they understood what they were going through, but nobody did. Only three people understood. He, Shay and Hermann.

''If you ever need any help, just call me.'' He offered. He was glad his mom had helped him, he would never be able to do it on his own. She shouldn't have to do it on her own.

''Do you think it is honest, the prison sentence?'' She was referring to the boys, with their lifelong sentence. Matthew shook his head. ''No, they get to live. If we wouldn't be living in Illinois, those boys would be death row. Now they get to live and all the people who lost their lives don't.''

Dark clouds were coming over the lake and he stood up, panting for a second when he stood up, as the skin on his leg was pulled tight again. It wasn't as bad anymore as it was before, but still painful and according to the doctors, that could take years before it was less painful.

''Do you want to go somewhere?'' Shay asked, standing up as well.

''There is bad weather coming, your decision.''

''Okay, I know this is a lot to ask but you offered, can we go to my place and-''

Matthew nodded; ''Okay.''

...

The room really was untouched, a stash of unfolded clothes on the floor and the bed unmade. There even was a half finished bottle of water on the nightstand. Shay was holding his arm, tears in her eyes. ''If you are not ready, it can wait.'' Matthew mumbled

''No, no. It has to happen.'' Shay said back, firmly. She started to fold one of the boxes.

''His dad came by to pick up some of his belongings but he didn't even have to courtesy to clean his sons room. '' Shay mumbled, folding the stash of clothes. ''He just grabbed some things and left.''

''Maybe it was his way of dealing with his son's death? Nobody wants to outlive their child.'' Matthew walked to the other side of the bed, helping her folding the clothes.

After the clothes they went to pack everything else in the room and the sun was already down when Shay lifted the boxes down the stairs as he was not able to.

''Do you want anything to drink?'' Shay put the boxes down with a deep sigh.

''Just some water?''

''Just some water, really, I have something stronger.''

''That 'ill do as well.'' He mumbled, sitting down on the high chair at the cooking island.

Shay walked to the kitchen as well, pouring two glasses of whiskey.

''Thank you for helping me, Matt.''

''You are welcome.'' They had so support each other, they were the only persons to comfort each other. They drank their drinks, not knowing what to say. He left, promising to call her soon.

...

His cane in one hand, his other hand in his jacket he walked home from Shay's place. It was pretty far but he was too stubborn to take a cab, wanting to achieve this himself, trying to feel a little better about himself. It started to snow.

Having a little effort with the leg scar climbing the steps as his house, Matthew reached the door, the snow was still falling down. He put the key in the lock but was surprised that it wasn't locked and he walked in, to find his mom standing in the kitchen, preparing dinner. She had been doing that a lot since he was home, trying to make him feel better. Instead, it started to annoy him since he wanted to do it himself. he shook the snow out of his hair and hung his jacket in the hallway.

''Mom, what are you doing here?'' As if he didn't know. When he went home he had already seen the missed calls and texts on his phone. He put his cane against the dinner table.

''I left you a message if you liked to have dinner together but you didn't take up your phone, so I decided to cook it here for when you returned.'' She passed him, putting one of the casseroles on the table.

''Mom, I am not really hungry.''

''Sit down.'' He knew he could better sit down at the table, nothing could go against his mom.

''Tomorrow we will be going to the zoo, with Violet and Christie. Violet has a day at school.'' His mom put down a frying pan and sat down with him, shoveling a large pile of rice with chicken on his plate.

''I can't go with you tomorrow.'' Although he loved to hear that they were all going to together now his sister had made up with their mom, as far as possible, He simply couldn't because he had something else to do.

''Oh Matt, if it because of your leg, we will figure something out, I am sure they rent wheelchai-''

''Mom, I have something else to do.''

His mom frowned. ''What else do you need to do?''

''I have an appointment at a job office tomorrow.'' He said, slightly indignant. If his mom thought that he was going to play the role of a victim much longer, she was wrong.

''Oh Matt, you don't need to get a job straight away. You are not ready.'' She mumbled, looking at him, worried. Full of pity as well.

''I can still decide that for myself.'' He started to eat, not looking up to his mom on the other side of the table. She was shoving her food over the plate, not knowing what to say next.

''Can't you move the appointment? It is okay not to be ready yet.''

''Mom, I am ready! I am not going to live being useless for much longer.''

''Matt, you are not useless.'' His mom said, looking worried.

He stood up, half of his plate finished and he put it in the sink and washing his hands

''I am not going with you tomorrow.''

HIs mom stood up as well, walking towards him.

''Matt, just wait a few more weeks, you will better.''

''How can I feel better, just sitting at home, thinking about how guilty I am, why won't you let me get back to daily life? Why do you keep acting as if I am a baby?''

His mom laid her hand on his shoulder.

''Don't feel guilty, it is not your fault. If working will help you forget about everything, maybe that is the best thing.''

''Mom, it is not about forgetting! It is about dealing with it!'' His voice sounded louder than before and he was getting mad.

''You don't want to forget?'' His mom crossed her arms, bowing her eyebrows.

''I can't forget! Even if I want to, I can't forget! In case you hadn't noticed, more than just a few people are dead because of me and every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of that because there is a scar on my face, every time I walk I am reminded because of the pain in my leg and every time I want to simple things I can't because of the scars that make my hand hurt. And even when I am not doing those things it is because people look at me in the street, full of pity because they know who I am.''

The towel he was still holding in his hands landed on the floor and he walked upstairs, slamming the door of his bedroom shut. Mad he rubbed his hand of the hurting skin on his upper leg, as it hurt after the quick walk up the stairs. He listened to the soft sounds of cleaning in the kitchen and the footsteps of his mom on the stairs. There was a soft knock on the door but he didn't respond.

''I am sorry Matthew.''

He didn't answer and his mom didn't enter.

''Are you going to be okay for tonight?''

After a few seconds longer she gave up; ''Good night. Good luck tomorrow. Please give me a call.'' Her footsteps went down the stairs again and the front door closed a few seconds later and he heard it being locked. Slowly he stood up, walking to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, the fingertips went over the rough skin on his jaw, all the way up to his cheekbone. He was so mad, for what happened, that it was his fault. The scar would always remind him.

Mad he slammed the cup with the toothbrushes on the floor. It was all so useless. He turned around, slamming the painting of the wall. Looking back into the mirror, he felt like he was raging. His hand became a fist and he smashed into the mirror, a rain of shards falling in the sink. His knuckles were bleeding and his hand was pounding. But actually he felt relieved now he had taken his anger out and one thing was even better:

He didn't have to look at himself anymore.

...

Note: And here is chapter 7! Again, hope you liked it!

To make things clear incase the timeline is hard to understand, we forwarded about 1.5 months from the last chapter and the trial and nearly 4 months from the massacre.

Thanks for reading, as always and please do review! Please!


	8. The decision

His alarm went off and groaning Matthew stretched his arm to put is out, tangled up in the sheets, the skin on his upper leg burning as if it was on fire again.

One foot first, he stepped out of bed, glad his skin seemed unharmed and he threw the sheets back on the bed, grabbing it back when he saw the bloodstains, only to realize it was from the hand he was holding it in. Confused he stumbled out the bedroom, scared when he saw the mess in bathroom. The mirror was in shards through his bathroom and most of the things that had been standing around were laying on the floor, shattered as well.

Afraid he walked back to the bedroom, looking around and looking back at his own hand. There was blood dried up on the knuckles and touching them hurt as well. Had he hit the mirror with his own hand? It all was such a blur.

His phone went off on his nightstand and he walked to it, seeing it was his mom.

''Hi...mom.'' His voice was shaking and he was afraid he was going to pass out.

''Good luck on the job interview Matt.'' Afraid he sat down on the bed.

''It was cancelled.'' He lied, staring out of the window. ''I am coming with you.''

...

''Matt, are you sure we don't need to rent a whee-''

''I am fine.'' He reassured his mom, walking next to Violet as she was looking on the map, ready to lead the way to her favorite animals, the wallabies.

''What happened to your hand?'' Christie asked, looking at his hand with a frown on her face.

''Nothing, I just slipped on the stairs and my hand hit the wall.''

He couldn't think of an better excuse and he just hoped that Christie would believe him.

Even though it was a week day, it was incredibly busy in the park and Matthew got annoyed by the people who kept walking to close to him.

''Last week, we went to an animal shelter with school!'' Violet said, looking up to him from the map.

''Really? Did you like it?'' He tried to sound as excited as he could and he didn't think he pulled it off really well, but Violet just kept on going; ''We could pet the kittens and there was little kitten called Pebbles and I really liked her and I want to have her but mommy won't let me and you should tell her that she should give me Pebbles because I have been very good and you are her big brother and she should listen to you.''

''Violet, I told you to stop about Pebbles, we are not getting a cat, out of question.''

Matthew stopped for a second; ''Let's make a deal.'' Violet looked up to him with her eyes big.

''I will take Pebbles in my house and every time you want to pet her you can come to my house.''

Christie shook her head; ''Matt, you don't have to do that.''

''I wanted to adopt a cat anyway.'' He lied, smiled and they continued walking down the crowd. At least there was one person he could please. Violet grabbed his right hand and looked up to him, smiling really big and he felt a little better on the inside.

Faces kept passing him by, staring at him. Shoulders nudged into him and he could see in the eyes of the people looking at him that they knew who he was. Did he had to look at the faces recognizing him every day from now on? Such a big city and still everybody knew who he was.

He leaned against the fence by the wallabies, only listening half to Violet's talking.

Turning around he saw a woman walking away, her black hair in a bound together and her way of walking immediately made him follow her.

''Matt, where are you going?'' He ignored his mom, following the girl as she walked over the path, up to another man standing near the restaurant. He walked as fast as he could, trying to catch up with her, determined to get her back with him. She had to Gabriela, it was her. Ready to touch her shoulder, to pull her back in his arms. She grabbed the arm of the other man at the same time his hand reached her shoulder. Startled she looked back.

Matthew nearly gasped when he saw her face, realizing that she didn't even look like Gabriela in the slightest way.

''Is there something wrong?'' She frowned, backing up from Matthew, shaking his hand of her shoulder.

''No, I am sorry.'' Matthew just shook his head, trying to understand what had happened.

''Do we have a problem?'' The man holding the girls hand made a step towards him and looked him in the eyes.

''No, I am sorry, I had just mistaken her for somebody I know.'' He tried to get away from the couple.

''Doesn't matter.'' The girl smiled; ''Happened to all of us at least once.''

Matthew nodded, walking away to the restaurant, trying to take a dew calm breaths before he fled into the bathroom. He leaned against the sink, looking the mirror again. His heart was still racing in his chest and he bow forward, splashing some cold water in his face. Another man washed his hands at the sink next to the one he was standing by and the man looked up to him. Matthew wanted to yell at the man for the look he was giving him but he just let it go, looking back in the mirror.

''Are you okay?'' The man said, looking worried.

''I am fine.'' Matthew snarled back.

''Okay, relax man. You just seem like you can pass out every second.''

''I am fine!'' Matthew turned around, walking into one of the bathroom stills, sitting down. His hands went through his hair and he tried to calm down, feeling the tears filling his eyes. He just wanted to enjoy today, not wanting to go home to the mess again and being alone. But even now he wasn't alone, he wasn't happy. Slowly he stood up, looking into the mirror. He looked still looked awful but he was sure he couldn't stay in there much longer, leaving the bathroom again. Walking back into the restaurant he was surprised to see his family waiting for him.

''Come Violet, let's get something to drink.'' Christie walked away with her daughter.

''Is there something wrong? Don't say no.'' His mom crossed her arms as they walked to the table.

''There is nothing, I just needed to go to the bathroom.''

''You walked away suddenly and you look like you are on the edge of crying. Does your leg hurt?''

If it was that simple.

''Yes, I should have said earlier.'' He lied.

''It is okay, we will arrange that. I just like that you are with us, that the family is together for once.''

There were days that he would have given up everything to be together with the whole family. A day like this was what he had been dreaming about for fifteen years. Now he couldn't even enjoy it and it was just another day he had to get trough.

Christie and Violet joined the table again with drinks and sandwiches.

''Thought we could as well have lunch now.'' Christie smiled, handing him a plate.

Even if he wasn't happy at the moment he could still fake it.

The day seemed really long and he was happy when he was finally home, nearly exhausted from faking all day long.

Standing in the kitchen to unload the dishwasher he was listening to the news that was coming from the TV in the living room. Not that there was much to clean up, but he just wanted to keep busy so he would sleep better tonight.

''Today the city of Chicago has decided that station 51 will be rebuild.'' Matthew turned around, walking to the living room and TV with the plates he was holding still in his hands.

''Nothing has been said yet about the new building except that it will be on the same location as station 51 used to be.''

Matthew dropped the plates on the coffee table, looking at the discussion the news anchors were having if it was proper to build it on exact the same place as were all the people died and Matthew shook his head in disbelief. They could have build it everywhere so why did they had to do it exact the same place? Did they just want to get it over with and make people forget as soon as there was a new station? He sat down at the couch, not even really focusing on the TV anymore. The city moved on, everybody moved on except for him. Being in Chicago made it that he couldn't move on. Every house he passed by now that they had ever helped hurt, remembering that it was still his fault and he stood up, putting out the TV, walking upstairs. There was one way to leave it all behind. He couldn't keep on faking and in Chicago everybody was still going to know who he was his entire life.

...

Laying his bags in the truck he looked back one more time, to the house. The house where he had lived with Hallie for a short time, the house where Gabriela had found him in a mess after Hallie's death and they slowly had build a relationship. Now they were both gone and it was his time to go.

It was still early in the morning and the streets were still wet from the rain from the night. Hesitating for a second he stood on the driveway for a few minutes, just looking around. Then he opened the door, stepped into the car and drove away, relieved when he saw the sign that he was leaving Chicago.

...

NOTE: Took some time to upload something but here it is. I hope you enjoyed it!

About Shot in the snow, for the people reading both stories; I am really stuck with it at the moment, but I am not planning to completely drop it. I think I just need some more time. Sorry it takes so long for the people still interested!

Thanks for reading, please leave a review!

x


	9. Epilogue

''So you just left everything behind?'' Jenna refilled his glass, put it down in front of him.

''I did leave everything behind, except for a note or a message. My family never forgave me.''

''Where did you go?''

Matthew shrugged; ''Nowhere in the beginning but somehow I ended up in Maine and I still live there.''

Jenna shook her head; ''Why didn't your family search for you?''

''They expected that I was going to leave, they just had hoped that I would leave a message. Which I regret not doing. The last time I spoke my mom was right after I left. She gave me the ultimatum of coming back right then or never coming back again.''

The door opened and a petite, blonde woman came walking in.

''Matt! I have been looking for you everywhere! Why didn't you tell me where you were going?''

''Ell, I told you I was going here!'' He looked back at Jenna; ''My wife, Ellen.''

''Come on Matt, I found her address.''

He stood up, grabbing his jacket. ''How much?''

''Nothing, this one is for you for saving my pitiful ass.''

A familiar face was looking at him, the small man leaning in the doorway to the kitchen.

''Christopher?'' Hermann smiled at him, walked up to him and they hugged.

''She said you left.'' Matthew asked puzzled.

''I have been here every year with the memorial, hoping to see you here once. I know I wasn't very happy that you saved me in the beginning. But now I am so grateful that you did. For Cindy, for the kids.''

''How are they?'' Matthew said, gob smacked. He had always thought that Hermann and Shay had been blaming him for everything that happened and he was moved by what Hermann just said.

''The oldest is going to college next year. Years are passing faster. But I see you have some female company as well.''

Ellen stepped forward, introduced herself.

Turning all around as the door opened again two women entered.

''Matt, Chris.'' Shay smiled and only now Matthew realized she was the blonde woman looking at him through the window. After a decade, all the survivors were together again.

''I think there is something we should do.''

...

All three in a row they lighted another row of candles, at the actual place of fire house 51. By every name on the large marble plate that was still there on the field, they lighted a candle. They looked up, suddenly aware by the current fire men of fire house were saluting on the other side of the stone. After a decade, everybody had gone back to their lives, just as Chicago had gone further after the drama. But everybody still remembered. Shay held the hand of the woman next to her, wiping her tears away.

Christopher smiled again as he saw Matthew walking away, hand in hand with Ellen, her confused looks up to him as she was asking him why he never told her he was a firefighter and his remorseful sorry that he never told her. Right before they stepped in their truck, Ellen kissed him, laying her head on his shoulder and Matt looked up to the new firehouse, one last time. They all had lost nearly everything that night, but all three had build up their lives again, just like fire house 51 was rebuilt.

...

**8 years earlier. Lewiston, Maine.**

Sitting in the small diner in town, Ellen Morris looked around, searching for her date. He sister had arranged it after she had been alone for years now. But there were just four costumers in the dinner. The man sitting alone at the bar, the couple in the back and herself. Checking her watch she sighed as her date was already over 20 minutes late. Waiting five more minutes, she stood up. The man sitting at the bar stood up at exact the same time and as she was trying to leave they bumped into each other.

''Sorry.'' The man said; ''Are you okay?''

''No problem, I am fine.''

''Your date didn't show up?'' The girl behind the counter asked, compassionate.

''No, again.'' Ellen sighed. She walked to the door, disappointed.

''Ma'am. I am not your date, but would you like to have dinner with me?'' The man still standing in the middle of the dinner asked with a shaking voice, clearly nervous.

''Sure.'' She smiled, walking up to the man. he held his hand out to hang her jacket on the peg and she handed it, feeling how rough skin was and only now she realized the burn scars in his face and on his hand.

They walked back to the table together and she was happy she didn't have to go through another night of having dinner alone, which happened almost every night since her husband had his accident last year. Ever since he died, everybody seemed to be avoiding her.

''You are not from around here?'' The man looked up from the menu.

''I have been wandering around for a long time.'' He said, not really telling her where he came from.

''Well, that clears it up where you come from.'' She sighed, laying the menu aside and as he did the same they finally reached both their hand out.

''Ellen Morris''

''Matthew Casey.''

Later that night they bumped against his truck, wrapped up in each other's arms, their lips meeting each other over and over. Ellen couldn't resist after she had been lonely for so long. She couldn't stop looking at him as they drove to her house, where the love continued and when she woke up the next morning she was surprised to see him dressed up, his bag over his shoulder.

''Are you just going to wander on again?'' She said, not sure how to feel.

''Believe me, it is better if I do.'' Matthew turned away, ready to walk out.

''I didn't walk out on you yesterday in the diner.

Matthew walked to the bed, sitting down on the edge.

''I am sorry, I am just not really relationship material.''

''Why not?''

Matthew shrugged. ''I am not only damaged on the outside.'' He stood up again. ''Sorry.''

''You are not the only one.'' Ellen said, stepping out of the bed.

''Just, let's not do this.'' Swinging his bag to the other side he wanted to turn around again.

He was nearly at the front door when he suddenly hesitated. For two years now, he had been driving around the country on his own, not wanting to bond with anybody. But this time it was different, the only reason he walked out was because that was what he always did. Not with women, since Ellen was the first woman he talked to in a while. But he walked out of a town every time, even if he liked it. Would he want to keep on running away his whole life from everybody who tried to love him?

Slowly he walked back to the bedroom, dropping his bag again.

''Maybe...'' he hesitated for a moment. ''Maybe...we can try to fix each other's damages.''

...

''If you want me to talk to you now, we can talk. I could go here tomorrow.'' He swallowed, looked at her; ''I am sorry I never told you. I just thought it was better if you thought my scars came from another accident.''

''Matt, it is okay, I understand. You can tell me everything later.'' Ellen smiled and Matthew wanted to thank her with whole his heart that she wasn't making a problem of that he never told about fire house 51.

''Good luck.'' Ellen kissed him on his cheek while Matthew slowly left the car, taking the long steps to his old house. Somehow, he had always expected to come back here, but never for the reason he was here now. He was nervous and didn't know what to say, but he had to do this. He looked back one time, Ellen still nodding to him and walked up the stairs, knocking on the door.

After a minute the door opened, showing a older woman standing in the doorpost. For a second he was scared that she would close the door again, not wanting to see him.

''Mom?'' He smiled, tears forming in his eyes. His mom stepped forward, pulling him into her arms. After a minutes she let go again. ''Come in, please'' Matthew stepped inside, looking back at his truck once; ''Who is that woman?'' His mom asked, looking as well.

''She is my wife, Ellen.''

''Matt, where are you manners? Let her come in as well!''

he waved to Ellen and Ellen came out of car, joined them on the porch.

''Ellen Casey.''

''Nancy Casey.'' His mother smiled, embraced Ellen straight away. They walked into the house and Matthew looked around, surprised that nothing was changed. Except there was a big picture of him on the coffee table.

''I missed you every day.'' She admitted as he was looking at the picture. ''It was like I had gotten you back after 15 years and suddenly you were gone without a trace again.''

''I am so sorry mom. I don't know how I can ever make this up.''

''You don't have to, I thought I lost you after the fire and I feel blessed for every moment I still get to spend with you, even if it takes a decade.''

Matt smiled. Time couldn't heal al wounds, but a decade was a whole lot of time.

...

NOTE: Did I ever mention I adore happy endings? Well, I did now. This happy end was as much of an happy end this story could get.

Anyway, I really enjoyed writing story although it wasn't so good as I hoped it would become as I started with it. I hope that if you kept reading to the end, you enjoyed reading, thanks a lot! Also, thank you if you left a review, it meant a lot to me!

Again, thanks for reading and please leave a review if you want to!


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